It’s October 20th. My Irish bank account has 12 euro in it. At 3:06 PM, just as I’m getting off the phone with my friend Travis about the idea for this project, I get an email from Wells Fargo saying my checking account had dropped below zero. I had made the mistake of making a student loan payment without checking the balance in my American account and now I’m 60 dollars in the hole with 5 dollars in my savings.
I send a text to my mom asking if she can help and she sends $65 dollars my way to get my account back in the black. She says she’s “glad she can help with this one.” I’ve been waiting for the living stipend for my PhD to arrive, annual sum of 17,316 euro split into monthly payments. I had expected things to come through on the 15th of October, my program start date but things have gotten tied up, apparently due to some “teething problems” with the new grant my PhD run through. On the 19th I emailed my supervisor to ask if I can expect the grant by the end of the week so I can pay my rent (a stomach turning 900 euro/month – still cheaper than the student housing I was living in last year). She replies apologetically that its unlikely, and expresses hope that I’ll be able to “find a solution that does not make [me] too uncomfortable.”
This will be the third month I’m unable to pay rent myself after last year’s student loan, the tax return from my old job, and the US Government pandemic assistance money ran out. My mom paid in August but she’s unable to help again as other familial expenses have come up – I can hear the tears in her voice as she tells me this and I know she takes not being able to support us when we’re in need fairly personally. My friend Lena offered to pay my rent last month, they have some familial wealth from when their parents sold their childhood home in Brooklyn and are trying to figure out how to use it well. I send them a text while on the phone with my mom and they say they can help again. I say I’ll pay them back as soon as I get the stipend.
Two days later I finally get an answer about when the first payment from my stipend is set to come in. November 20th, almost a month away. Two hours later I get an email from Wells Fargo reminding me that my credit card payment is due. Twenty five dollars I don’t have. I call my mom, we’re both shocked and upset. She says she’ll take out a cash advance for enough money to get me through the month and I promise to pay her back as soon as I get the stipend comes in. She promises to both of us that it’ll all be okay in the long run.
I’m not saying all this for pity, it feels bad to think about and worse to say. I’m saying it because sometimes my life feels like a string of these financial stumbling blocks – like even if I watch my feet and have others helping from the sidelines I’m eventually going to trip. I’m saying this because I’m tired of putting on a brave face and pretending that financial desperation isn’t the air I breathe. I’m saying all this because I know more people have stories like this than I can imagine. These are the Money Talks, a place to admit that I’m afraid, to speak the numbers that scare me and to sit with the fact that the people who could make things better for me and so many others can’t be bothered. It can be your space too, if you want it.
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